Through It All
by iluvfriendsus
Summary: Carter and Abby experience some sadness in their marraige. Can they overcome it?
1. Default Chapter

These characters do not belong to me, and this story is for entertainment purposes only.

            Dr. Susan Lewis went and sat down next to the little girl waiting in chairs. "Hi, Olivia."

            The little girl looked at her with her brown eyes brimming with tears, "Hi, Aunt Susan."

            "How are you holding up?" Susan asked putting her arm around the little girls shoulder.

            "Daddy said we lost our baby." She said sadly.  "Mommy is so sad.  I hate it when Mommy is sad." Olivia started to cry.  

            "Shh, sweet little Livy, it's okay." Susan tried to comfort her by pulling the little girl into her lap.  Olivia buried her face into his Susan's chest and sobbed.  They both sat that way for several minutes.  Olivia crying and Susan rubbing her back and saying soothing words.

            In a few minutes Carter came up to them.  His eyes were watery and his face was crestfallen. "I'm sorry to keep her waiting this long Susan."

            "It's okay." Susan whispered, "She's really broken up."

            "Yeah," Carter's voice broke, "We all are." He gathered his little daughter into his arms, "I want to take her to see Abby.  Thanks again Susan."

            "No problem. If you need me again, come find me."

            Abby was sitting up in bed staring at the wall when her husband and her daughter came into the room.  Olivia ran to Abby jumped up on the bed, and threw her arms around Abby's neck.  "I love you Mommy," she cried.  This caused the tears to begin to pour down Abby's face.  

            "I love you too, baby, so, so much."  Abby said gently.  Carter just stood there watching them his heart was breaking inside.  They had longed for this baby, planned for it.  Abby had just suffered her third miscarriage in the last two years.  He didn't know how much more of this any of them could take.

            He finally cleared his throat from the choking tears, "I'm going to go find Weaver and arrange for me to get some time off."

            "Okay," was Abby's simple reply.  She tried not to look Carter in the face.  She had never felt guiltier, more like a failure as a woman and as a mother than she did at this moment.  She didn't want to go home, to face the failure.  She didn't want to face John.  He needed a more complete woman, one who could give him what he wanted.  It was painfully obvious to her that she was not that woman.

            In a few minutes John returned.  He gave her a small smile, "I have a week off.  You have as long as you need." John sat down next to her on the hospital bed and pulled Olivia up into his lap. "We can all stay home together and be one big happy family."

            Olivia giggled, "Daddy I have school!"

            He tousled her hair, "Of course you do squirt.  After school we can have fun, play games, watch movies, and just enjoy being together."

            Abby had remained silent throughout the entire conversation between her husband and her daughter.  She wasn't sure that she wanted John at home constantly for the next week.  She really needed time to be alone with her thoughts, to mourn the loss of another child.  To think about why she couldn't seem to carry a baby, why God was punishing her this way.

            Carter put his hand on her shoulder; he tried to ignore her obvious flinch at his touch.  "Do you want me to see if Gamma can keep Livy tonight? That way I can stay here with you.  They want you to stay just tonight to make sure that everything completed correctly."

            "No, she's been through enough.  Take her home, buy her an ice cream, and let her sleep in her own bed.  She does have school tomorrow.  She will need a good night's rest."

            "Abby, I-"

            "John! Just trust me." She looked at him, trying hard to keep the tears from flowing down her face, "I will be fine."

            "Alright." He could tell that Abby was in no mood for arguing.  "Come on kiddo. Let's go.  We will stop by Baskin and Robbins on the way home."

            "I don't want to leave Mommy. Is she going to be okay?"

            "Mommy is going to be fine honey.  The Doctors just want her to sleep here tonight just to make sure."

            Olivia left Carter's grasp and clung to Abby. "Mommy, I want to stay with you."

            "Olivia, look at me." Abby said.  Olivia looked down at her lap, "Olivia Lane Carter!" Abby said again sharply.  The sharpness in her tone caused Olivia to look up at her Mother in surprise, "Go with your Daddy.  I will be fine.  Tomorrow when you get home from school, I should be fine."

            "Okay, Mommy." Olivia said reluctantly, "but only if you promise."

            "I promise." 

            Carter kissed the top of Abby's head. "We love you." He said, "I will be back in the morning after I drop her off."

            "I love you too." Abby mustered a weak smile as she watched them walk out of the room.

            Abby lay awake long into the night.  She knew, as a nurse, she needed to sleep.  But her emotions were winning over her physical needs right now.  She kept thinking about the baby that she had just lost.  Her baby.  John Carter's baby, the baby that they created together.  The baby that they had wanted so badly, the little brother or sister for Olivia that she had been asking for since she was two.  Three times now they had received the news that they would again be parents.  Three times they had told Olivia with happiness on their faces and joy in their hearts.  The first two miscarriages had come early.  The last one hurt even more because it was in the 13th week, past what is usually known as the danger zone for miscarriages.  Abby couldn't believe her own misfortune.

            Perhaps God was punishing her for her previous abortion.  Perhaps he felt that he was being generous by giving her one child.  It wasn't fair.  It wasn't fair to punish her husband and her daughter for her sins.  She wouldn't allow it.  The tears were pouring down her face now.  She was glad she was alone.  She didn't want anyone to see her in this state of weakness.  She leaned over the side of the bed and retched.  She didn't even bother to try and make it to the bathroom.  It was almost as if the emptying of her stomach was symbolic of emptying her heart.  If only it were that easy.  She wanted it all to go away.  

            On the other side of town, John Carter lay in his bed.  The sheets were cold against skin, and he missed Abby.  He lay wide-awake staring at the ceiling going over and over the scenes from the day in his mind.  The desperate phone call from Abby during his shift.  The ambulance bringing her in, Olivia's scared face as she got out of the ambulance.  He relived what it felt like when he first realized the truth that he would not be able to save his child.  He wondered if it was a boy.  A son.  Or it was another Carter daughter with Olivia's brown curly hair and deep brown eyes?  A single tear trickled down his cheek.  He mourned for the child that he had wanted so desperately to know.  He mourned the chance that was taken from him  
            Neither of them slept much at all that night.  In the morning, Carter got Olivia up and off to school.  On the drive to the hospital to be with Abby, he made a decision.  They would just have another baby as soon as possible.  He thought the fastest way to heal both their broken hearts was just to keep trying. He wouldn't let the heartache get the best of him. He loved his wife. He loved his daughter.  Together they could get through this and have another baby to love.

            What he didn't realize was that his wife had come to an entirely different decision.  She had decided there would be no more babies.  The pain of losing another one would be more than she could bear.  She thought it would be better for all of them to just love each other and try not to put them through anymore pain. She obviously had something wrong with her that was making it impossible for her to carry another baby.  As much as it broke her heart, it was the truth.  Sometimes the hardest thing to live with is the truth.  But she knew she must.


	2. Chapter 2

Through It All Part Two

In the next several months that followed the miscarriage, life was unhappy at the Carter house. John tried to comfort his wife, to be there for her. He took care of Livy as much as he could, he cooked meals, did the laundry. All the while Abby continued to withdraw deeper inside herself. She was resistive to any signs of affection from her husband. She had decided that she was hurting him because she couldn't bear his children. So she thought the best course of action to take was to avoid physical contact. If she didn't touch him she would avoid the possibility of becoming pregnant again.

John was trying to be patient. He loved Abby so much. It broke his heart to see her like this. He wanted to comfort her so badly, to be all that she would ever need. As much as he yearned for a second child, he yearned for her more. She was his everything. And he was watching her slowly dissolve into herself. He didn't think he could stand it much longer.

One day at the ER Susan asked him if he would like to go for a cup of coffee. At first he was reluctant, but once he realized Susan wasn't going to take no for an answer he agreed. They took a small table by the window and sat down with cups of coffee and sandwiches.

"So, Carter, what's up with you lately?"

"Nothing." Carter looked at her, "Just the usual."

"You're very distant. That's not like you. Is something happening at home?"

"We are still adjusting, grieving. We are exhausted from taking care of Olivia. The same things that all parents go through." 

"Are you sure that's all?"

"Would I lie to you Susan?"

"Well, you might keep some things to yourself so that you don't worry other people. I am not trying to pry but I really care about you and Abby and Olivia. I want nothing but happiness for all of you."

John swallowed hard, "I know."

"Then tell me what's up."

Carter looked at her and he knew he was going to have to spill. She wasn't letting him leave until he did. "Abby is being very closed off from me right now. She won't talk to me. She won't let me hug her or kiss her. It's breaking my heart. I yearn to hold her in my arms and let her cry. To tell her that I love her and I don't blame any of this on her, but she won't let me in. She won't let me in. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help her." 

He had tears in his eyes now, "I don't care if we ever have another child. I just want my wife back. I'm empty without her."

Susan covered her hand with his, "Oh, John I'm sorry. I really don't know what to say except that if there is any way I can help let me know. And anytime you need to talk to I'm here." 

Carter's pager went off. "We better get back." Susan stood and they walked back towards the ER.

After his shift ended Carter stopped at the store and then headed home. He turned his key in the lock and the sight before him made his heart sink. Abby was sitting on the couch holding a pair of baby booties, and sobbing into her hands. Carter swallowed his own tears and went and sat beside his wife. He draped one arm around her shoulders. He whispered into her ear, "Abby, I love you. Let me in."  
  


Abby resisted the urge she had to run into their room and close the door. Instead she allowed Carter's comfort for a few moments before rising to her feet. "I'm tired I'm going to take a nap."

"Do you want some company?"

"No, I need to be alone."

"Abby, I-"

"John, no, I'm just not ready. Olivia should be home in a minute. Maybe you could take her to the park or something."

"Abby," he called after her as she went into the room and shut the door.

An hour later John and Olivia found themselves at the park. John was sitting on a bench watching Olivia play on the swings.  Carter got lost in thought and memories of happier times came floating back to him.  Just a few months ago he and his wife had sat on this very park bench and talked in excitement about their new baby.  Abby had sat in Carter's lap and he had rested his hand on her belly. 

_"Do you think it's a boy or a girl?" she asked._

_"I don't know.  A boy maybe?"_

_"John Truman Carter the fourth."_

_"Ugh. No, I don't want to put such a horrible responsibility on my son.  Just being a Carter is bad enough."_

_Abby smiled that warm, loving smile at him, "I love being a Carter, personally."_

_Carter kissed her, "I love you being a Carter."_

While Carter was lost in his thoughts a young boy came up to Olivia, "My name is Robby what's your name?"

"Olivia Kathleen Carter. I'm 6."

"I'm 5." He pointed across the swing to a little boy on a slide, "That's my brother Taylor he's 6."

"Oh." Olivia said her eyes suddenly brimming with tears. She ran up to her Dad, "Daddy, I don't want to play can we go home?"  Her question snapped John back to reality.

"Sure sweetie." John took her hand and together they walked home.  "May I ask why you suddenly wanted to go home."

Olivia looked at him sadly, "Because that little boy had a brother and it made me think about the brother that I really, really wanted." Olivia burst into tears.

Carter scooped his daughter up in his arms, "Oh sweet Livy, I know, honey, I know."  Olivia cried into his shoulder.  "And I miss Mommy.  She is sad all the time.  Why is Mommy sad all the time?  Is it because of the baby? Is it because she wanted the baby and now that he is gone she doesn't want me anymore either?"

Carter took Olivia's chin into his hands and looked into her eyes.  "Olivia Carter your Mommy loves you so much. She would never wish you away.  Ever.  You have to believe me.  Things are going to get better honey, soon."

Olivia sniffed, "Promise?"

John hugged her tight, "I promise."

They reached their home shortly and Livy ran into the house obviously looking for her Mother.  She found Abby asleep in her bedroom.  Olivia crawled into bed next to her Mother and snuggled up next to her placing her small head on her Mother's chest.  "Mommy, it's Livy.  I know that you are asleep but I want to tell you that I love you so much.  I am sorry that you lost the baby.  I know how much you wanted him.  I know that you hurt real bad, and I wish that you didn't.  I miss you Mommy.  Daddy said that things would get better soon.  I hope so, I miss you and Daddy and me being a family."  Olivia kissed Abby's cheek and ran from the room trying to hold the tears back until she was safe in her own room.

Carter stood in the doorway watching the scene, small tears lingering in his own eyes.  He couldn't take it.  He was watching his daughter's heart break.  And he was desperate to make it stop.  

Abby looked up at Carter. "Would you mind telling me what that was about?"

"At the park Olivia told me some things.  She's so sad Abby.  She's hurting as much as we are and in some ways even more because she thinks this is all her fault.  She thinks we don't want her anymore, that you want don't want to be her Mother."

"That's ridiculous Carter, of course I want to be her Mother."

"Well, you haven't proven that to her lately."

"Where do you get off saying that to me?  I'm doing the best I can."

Carter was growing visibly angry, "Are you?   Are you?  Listen to your daughter! Listen to her words! Hear her heart!  Look at what you are doing to her… to us."

Abby glared at him, "Livy said that you promised her that things would get better soon.  I don't think things will ever be the same between us again."  Her words split Carter's heart in two.  He stood in the doorway still, his face changed from anger to despair.  He had lost her.  They had lost each other.  And somewhere in between was their little girl, wanting desperately to piece everything back together.  

As the days continued to go by Carter got more and more frustrated with this situation. He was still heartbroken after the loss of their child, but he was more heartbroken over the loss of his wife, and the loss of Olivia's mother. Abby was just not herself anymore. She was not a part of their lives.   Ever since their argument about Olivia, things had totally changed.  They no longer even tried to pretend that they were together.  Carter spent the nights sleeping on the couch, and Abby slept alone in their bed.  Carter missed her so much, he didn't know how much longer he could take it.  Olivia grew more and more upset and anxious as she saw that her Daddy's promise was not being fulfilled.  Carter was at a loss as to what to do about.  But, he decided he had to do something.  He had promised Olivia that things would get better soon. Now was as good a time as any.  One day after talking with Susan in the lounge for several minutes, Carter emerged into triage with a smile on his face.

"Oh Dr. Carter, that's the first time I've seen you smile in a while. Things must be better now." Jerry commented his tone half-joking, half-serious.

"Well Jerry I have devised a plan that just may work. It just may work."

Abby sat at home on the sofa watching reruns of old soap operas all the while unaware of how much she would have to participate in her husband's master plan. And he of course, would have to wait and see how she reacted.  Her reaction could change all their lives for better or for worse.


	3. Chapter 3

Carter walked in the front door and laid his keys down on the table.  He looked over at Abby; she was sitting on the couch folding laundry absently watching a soap opera.  "Hey Abby."

            She continued to watch TV, refusing to acknowledge his presence or the fact that he had spoken to her.  Well, she picked the wrong day.  Today, her husband was more determined than she was.  He walked over to her and sat down next to her.  He touched her knee gently, "Hey Abby.  Can you get an overnight bag together? I've got a surprise for you."

            "Where's Livy?"

            "Susan is picking her up at school.  She's going to stay with her for a few days."

            "Where are you going?"

            John looked softly at her, "WE are going somewhere just the two of us."

            "Why? I don't want to go anywhere.  I'm not ready to go anywhere."

            "Abby we have some things to work out.  We can't go on like this.  Living together yet apart, pretending to have something we don't.  Lately we haven't even tried hard to pretend and that scares the hell out of me. We have to do something before it's too late."

            Abby wanted to cave.  The way Carter was looking at her made her heart break.  She wanted to throw herself into his arms and sob.  But as was often the case with Abby she took on the stubborn, self-pitying approach.  "Isn't it already too late?" she asked quietly.  "I don't want to get hurt Carter.  I can't take it anymore.  I can't go through that again. I can't start having misery follow me wherever I go again.  I finally had escaped that."

            "Abby," he looked deep into her eyes.  "Say that you will come with me.  Say that you will not give up on us.  Say that you won't give up your happiness because your heart is broken.  Let me in.  Let me help.  You, me, and Olivia we deserve to be happy."

            Abby could feel her self weakening under the pressure.  She knew she couldn't resist when John begged her.  She could see in his eyes how much he still loved her.  How much he still wanted to be with her.  She didn't know if she could bring herself to completely let go again.  To allow herself a glimpse of happiness and love, but she owed to John to at least try.  She swallowed hard and responded to him with only a small nod of her head.  He gave her a grateful smile as she got up to go pack some things.

            Within a few hours they arrived at a modest house on the beachfront.  "John? Where are we?"

            "I thought it would do us good to be on the ocean." He smiled at her.  "We don't have to do anything but sit on the porch and listen to the waves if that's all you want."

            She whispered a thank-you and reached into the back seat to pull out her overnight bag.  The inside of the beachfront cottage was simple, rustic, and beautiful.  There was a large living room with a fireplace, a spacious kitchen with an island, and a master bedroom with a whirlpool tub and a balcony that looked out onto the ocean.  Abby heard John come up behind her, "You can have this room, and I'll take the couch."

            "No, it's okay.  We can share the bed."

            "That would be nice."  They unpacked in silence, both of them had so much to say but they were both too afraid to break the silence.  Later, Carter joined Abby on the balcony.  "The waves are so calming." He offered the first topic of conversation.

            "I need to go call Olivia, and see how's she doing." Abby stood up.

            Carter grabbed her arm gently, "Abby my love, Susan said not to call until bedtime.  Stay here with me." He pulled her down gently so that she was sitting right next to him.  "When was the last time we were all alone on the beach?  It's so romantic, and peaceful."

            "John-"

            "I love you Abby.  I have loved you from the first moment that I laid eyes on you.  Nothing will ever change that.  And when you agreed to marry me, I honestly thought nothing in this life could make me happier.  And then we had Olivia and I thought my heart would burst with pride and love.  I was devastated when we lost our babies," he could see her eyes welling up with tears, "and nothing will ever replace them, but oh my dear sweet Abby Carter, I will always want to be with you. Always.  You are the very air that I breathe you are everything to me.  These last few months I have felt like I am suffocating, not being able to talk to you, to kiss you, to touch you or hold you or comfort you.  I need you so much, Abby, so much." He was crying now "And Olivia needs you.  She wants to try and make everything better, and she can't.  Just like I can't and you can't.  But we can work towards happiness again, we can have more babies or not have more babies.  I will always be happy in the end as long as you are there.  But if you are not, then the end will be devastating, and well who doesn't like happy endings?"

            Abby looked at him, the tears were pooling in her eyes and slowly trickling down her cheeks, "I love you too.  But this is too hard right now.  The pains, the hurt, I just don't know. Part of me wants to go on with life, be happy, try again.  But the other part of me wants to run, to hide, and to wallow in my grief.  Because it hurts so much, John, so, so much."  She was sobbing now.  

            John wrapped his arm around her shoulders and comforted her, "Let it out Abby. Let it all out.  I'm here.  And I'm not going anywhere."  They sat there on the balcony for several hours.  Abby cried, John cried, they held and comforted each other.  They each released all the pent up feelings that had accumulated over the last several months.  Drawing closer to each other, yet at the same time beginning the healing process as individuals and as a couple.

            Later Carter and Abby took a moonlight walk down the beachfront.  They held hands and remained silent for a while, each absorbed in their own thoughts.  Abby was the first to speak, "Thank you for bringing me here John.  It's beautiful and peaceful."

            "Thank you for coming here with me.  I was hoping that being alone together, away from the house and jobs and the business of life would be good for both of us."

            Abby smiled a small smile at him, "It is good for us."   John kissed her gently on the lips.  They walked, arms around each other, back to the beach house.  There was a fire blazing in the fireplace, and the room was filled with light from the soft glow of the fire.  Abby sat down on the rug in front of the fire.  

            A few minutes later John came and sat down next to her.  He handed her a cup of coffee.  "Thanks." She offered him a smile and took a sip.  "John, do you think that we will ever be really happy again, after everything?" She asked hesitating.  She hated to be this upfront with her feelings with anyone, even her husband.  But she knew that she could trust him.  He had never let her down, never ran, and never tried to hide from their problems.  That was her area of expertise.  She waited for his response, already playing it out in her mind.

            "Yes, Abby, I think that we will be happy again.  I really do.  I don't think that we will ever forget what has happened.  Nor should we be expected to.  But I think that in time, we will be able to come to a place where we can dwell on the happy things in life.  On each other, on Olivia, on our health, on our good fortune, on us." He lifted her chin with his fingertip so that he could look deep into her eyes, "You make me happy Abby."  He leaned into kiss her.  He was a bit hesitant because over the last few months she had been so resistive to his touch.  But this time, she welcomed his lips and pulled him closer to her.  Their kissing got more intense as they both realized how very much they had missed this intimacy.  John slid his hand gently down her back, and she was now running her fingers through his hair.  They both had this overwhelming need to be close to each other, to be physically connected.  John broke the kiss and smiled cheekily at her, "Should we take this to the other room?" 

            "I think that would be nice." She smiled back at him.  And with that said, John kissed her again before they made their way into the bedroom.

            Later that night, Abby lay snuggled up next to her husband.  Her head was resting on his chest and he was stroking her hair, "My God I missed you." He said.

            "I missed you too.  I'm so sorry that I shut you out John.  I was just so afraid of being hurt again.  But more than that, I was afraid of disappointing you, of not giving you the life that you want.  And I couldn't live with myself if I knew I failed at making you happy."

            "You could never fail me Abby," he said.  "Never." With that said, he rolled her over and rested on top of her.  He kissed her deeply, "I love you so much."

            "I love you too."  She kissed him again.  She was happy to show him how much.

            They returned from their getaway with their relationship renewed and their bodies refreshed.  They drove to Susan's place to pick up Olivia.  Olivia rushed to greet them and threw her arms around both of them at the same time, "Oh Mommy! Oh Daddy! I was so afraid you wouldn't come back."

            "Of course we came back sweetie.  We love you Olivia Carter." Abby said reassuringly.

            "Can we go home? Not that I don't love Auntie Susan but I want to go home."

            "Sure we can go get your stuff." Olivia ran into the other room to collect her things.  

            Susan looked at her two friends.  Their arms were draped around each other and they both looked happy.  As happy as she had seen them for a while, as happy as they could be considering the circumstances.  She smiled at them, "So I take it you two are good?"

            "Yes," Carter beamed at her, "We are good. We are going to be okay."

            Susan hugged both of them. "I am so glad.  You two deserve it."

            "And me." Olivia chimed in.  "I deserve it too."  Everyone laughed.

            That night Abby and Carter tucked Olivia into bed together.  "I had so much fun with Auntie Susan.  She let me have two Twinkies for dessert.  And she let me watch all my favorite movies, and stay up late.  And you know what else? She let me draw in the bathtub with these special crayons.  It was so much fun!  I missed you though Daddy.  I missed your funny stories.  And Mommy I missed your smile, and your hugs, and your cookies." 

            "We missed you too munchkin. Now it's time for bed." Abby pulled the covers up to her daughter's chin.  "Get some sleep.  You can tell us all about the rest of your visit with Auntie Susan tomorrow."

            "Will you both be here in the morning when I wake up?"

            "Yes, Daddy doesn't work tomorrow and Mommy doesn't go in until tomorrow night."

            "Goodie!" Abby turned off the light, "oh and Mommy?"

            "Yes sweetie?"

            "Welcome home."  

            "Thank you Livy, it's good to be home." Abby smiled as she shut the door.     
  



End file.
